letter from the front

As many of you know, I love the Thursday morning men's group. This is a phenomenal group of guys and it is a blessing to be among them every week (or almost every week). This morning our talk centered around the idea of contentment and I thought it was pretty revealing. I tend to equate contentment with fulfillment, like I will be contented when I find myself fulfilled, and I am after all a rather hopeless malcontent. But I think my discontent can be directly tied to my lack of trust in the goodness and providence of God, in His plan. When I lack contentment, it is not because God has not fulfilled His purpose for me, but because He has not fulfilled MY purpose for me. The same is true of my anxiety, my fear, my indignation. These are not boiling up at the thought of God's will not being done, but at the thought of MY will not being done. Things do not "go my way" and I throw a tantrum. I mean, sure, I don't want to think of it that way, but there really is no way around it. I didn't get my way and now I am pissed.

It got a little harder when I began to look at the other side of that coin. What about when I get angry at myself? How about when I feel like a failure? Who have I let down? God expects nothing from me but life to the fullest, nothing but love, joy, patience, peace, understanding, self-control ... all things that I can not do on my own, so really He expects it of Himself living through me. He expects nothing of me, He just invites me to live, breathe and move with Him. What expectation did I not live up to? Mine. If God sets the highest expectation and He expects nothing from me, then even my feelings of low self-worth and failure are self-involved attempts to play God with my life. He loves me, He created me for greatness, and I don't need to figure it all out and follow my plan. I just need to run through the fields with the Maker of the Universe. He invites me to walk with Him, to work along side Him. He does not need me, He just likes me there. That is both refreshing and inspiring.