To be honest, I have avoided delving into the difficulties of life this year due to a combination of depression, anxiety and downright denial. Additionally, I am more proud than I would like and I really don't want people to know how badly I have failed this year. However, in the hopes of catharsis, I will burrow through this and reveal the struggle.
This morning I woke up to realize we had $19.50 in our account and the feelings of abject failure washed over me like a huge wave. Although I can honestly say that this time it was not my fault, there have been so many times that it was my fault that I have a hard time not second guessing every decision I have ever made. HSBC is threatening to take my car and I am wondering if it wouldn't be better to just hand it over and give up the payment. The $4200 per year I spend on just the car payment could be put to better use, and I could buy something functional and cheap in a couple of months. The difficulty with this is that I can't get much of a job if I can't get around. It is a little bit of a catch 22.
The job is a whole other struggle. My business was steadily growing, but beginning in the summer of 2008, a number of deals fell apart due to lack of financing, leaving me making only 16K this year. A friend of mine who has been in commercial real estate for over 25 years and is considered pretty successful told me yesterday that he has only made 18k in the same period from commissions. Additionally, I can't even get anyone to talk with me in my job search and I have a decent resume, I am good at what I do and have a whole nest of transferable skills. I can speculate on the reasons for not getting any responses for 6-8 months, but in the end the only thing that matters is the wall of silence I face every day. Cathy's business continues to grow, and I am so grateful for that, but I am supposed to be the one making the money and taking care of responsibilities. I am so proud of her that I don't have words for how great she is, and how impressed I am everyday by both her art and her business sense. However, no matter how much she brought in, it would never be enough to help me not feel like a failure for bringing in nothing.
I do know this, that God has and will provide for us and in the end everything will be okay. But today, I feel like a total failure. Here is hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Part LXXI - seriously, I will have to give up roman numerals soon as they are becoming encumbersome
Coming home from our beautiful honeymoon to open a plethora of presents sounds more fun than it actually is. Realizing that some of your gifts are re-gifts does not sound as amuzing as it felt. All in all, we were getting into the swing of our new life together, getting to know each other in all new ways. I have to say the first time you walk in on your wife on the toilet, you know you are married, there is a familiarity that takes some getting used to and that is all I have to say about that.
Since Cathy wasn't yet twenty-one, our first foray into the world of gambling that I had known growing up was about a month after we were married, we took a trip up to Lake Tahoe for her twenty-first birthday. Cathy has no use for gambling and it took her years to get a vague impression of the dream that I enjoyed when I would gamble. I play nickel slots, I am not a huge gambler, but I love the return when you hit a big jackpot...it may only be seven dollars, but since you put in only a nickel, that is awesome. My mom always told me, you take money to spend, only a fool thinks they will win. I didn't think we would win, but I could dream about what would happen if we hit some big numbers and that was worth the 20-40 dollars I would spend when I would go. We have only ever been to a casino two other times in almost eighteen years and I actually find them seedy and gross, but I was young so I enjoyed it.
About a month after that was my twenty-fifth birthday. And now is a little harder revelation. There are a number of people who I love and respect, who let me borrow their cars over the years under the mistaken impression that I had a license, but I didn't until my 25th birthday. Although I talk a lot about the accident where I "lost my license", the truth is that I should have been jailed for not having one and the cops just let me go. The state of California revoked my ability to get a license in 1987 after my accident until I turned 25, or until I had proof of insurance which I couldn't get without a license (or so I was told). So, on March 4th 1992, I drove Cathy's car the block or two over to the Los Gatos DMV and took my driving test and got a license. Prior to this point, I had been pulled over by police for everything from standard checkpoints to wrong turns to bad tags, everytime wiggling my way out of it through false sincerity and charm. Now I actually had a license. Cathy would proceed, through a good influence and genuine love and care for me, to change my paradigm without really challenging it directly. Her goodness is a mirror for my flaws, and her love is the support I often need to change. I love her for that and many other things.
Since Cathy wasn't yet twenty-one, our first foray into the world of gambling that I had known growing up was about a month after we were married, we took a trip up to Lake Tahoe for her twenty-first birthday. Cathy has no use for gambling and it took her years to get a vague impression of the dream that I enjoyed when I would gamble. I play nickel slots, I am not a huge gambler, but I love the return when you hit a big jackpot...it may only be seven dollars, but since you put in only a nickel, that is awesome. My mom always told me, you take money to spend, only a fool thinks they will win. I didn't think we would win, but I could dream about what would happen if we hit some big numbers and that was worth the 20-40 dollars I would spend when I would go. We have only ever been to a casino two other times in almost eighteen years and I actually find them seedy and gross, but I was young so I enjoyed it.
About a month after that was my twenty-fifth birthday. And now is a little harder revelation. There are a number of people who I love and respect, who let me borrow their cars over the years under the mistaken impression that I had a license, but I didn't until my 25th birthday. Although I talk a lot about the accident where I "lost my license", the truth is that I should have been jailed for not having one and the cops just let me go. The state of California revoked my ability to get a license in 1987 after my accident until I turned 25, or until I had proof of insurance which I couldn't get without a license (or so I was told). So, on March 4th 1992, I drove Cathy's car the block or two over to the Los Gatos DMV and took my driving test and got a license. Prior to this point, I had been pulled over by police for everything from standard checkpoints to wrong turns to bad tags, everytime wiggling my way out of it through false sincerity and charm. Now I actually had a license. Cathy would proceed, through a good influence and genuine love and care for me, to change my paradigm without really challenging it directly. Her goodness is a mirror for my flaws, and her love is the support I often need to change. I love her for that and many other things.
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