feedback

So, I was wondering what people think of the changes in the look and layout of the blog. What do you think? And yes, Traci, I changed the blue on black to something more readable just because you asked.

Cheers, all!

dismay

Well, my wife was a self-described weepy mess during last night's annual meeting and I can not say that I am much better off. I was too emotional to really know what I said, but I definitely failed in conveying how distraught the current (and now accepted) budget was making me. Or, perhaps I have overestimated the value of one voice calling out the fact that the way is wrong and we are off course. I don't remember what I said when I stood up, but I do remember the looks from friends, people I love. I am dismayed. In fairness, mine was not the only voice, they were many. People stood up to say how little sense this made, even people who the Sturms have not had a direct impact on, but it did not sway anyone. I think people voted the way they came in intending to vote. It was a complete waste of two hours and only cemented this feeling of grief over the direction of our church.

Now, don't get me wrong. The Sturms will be fine. Contrary to what the hard-hearted among the meeting might think, this is not actually an impassioned plea for my friend's job. This is a real look at the effect of losing a connection point when people are hurting, at not valuing the effect of someone with a soft heart in these times, and of saying through our actions that our God is not big enough to meet our needs. I also identified the opposite side of the "prosperity gospel", which I will call the "fiscal gospel." The fiscal gospel is as much heresy as the prosperity gospel, because it only takes a part of the gospel and tells everyone that they must live their lives and make their decisions through this unbalanced view. The Prosperity Gospel forgets the cross and the fact that Jesus tells us there will be pain, there will be hardship. The Fiscal Gospel tells us that our salvation is in cost-savings, that stewardship trumps faith. They are two sides of the same coin, and they both tell us that if we put our faith in cash all will be okay. One says if you give, you will get. The other says, if you save, you will be safe. Both are a travesty and do not reflect life as we know it. Sometimes, bad things happen...sometimes, good things happen. The truth is found in how we respond in each case. They will know whom we follow by how we love one another, well last night we just loved ourselves.

From the Mountain

So, the email finally went out about our church's budget and I can blog in a little freedom. So, here goes:

My friends, my church, my community...Wake Up! How will people believe if we do not? How will people know that there is more than this, if we do not act like there is? I am so discouraged, disappointed, dismayed. Who do we serve? Do we serve a powerless god who can make no difference in our real lives? A god who can make us feel better, but really has no impact on the things that happen in the real world? Or, do we serve a God of power, the Creator-God, Maker of the Universe, Author of history? Our actions say that our God is small...He will not meet our needs, we need to hunker down, batten down the hatches and ride out this economic storm. Apparently, our God can not help us. Is this the God we serve?

The God I serve sends a small boy to fight a giant, because He is bigger than our fears. He sends a stuttering bigot to speak to the gentile world, because He is bigger than our prejudices. He sent a hairy man clothed in rags to confront an evil king, because He is bigger than our perceptions. He sent His only Son to die for us, because He is bigger than our sin. That is my God! He shows himself strong in our weakness. But, how will He hold the hand of the weary, if we will not be those hands? How will He embrace the destitute if we will not be those arms? This is our calling and it is not one of timidity, it is one of bravery. It is not one of self-protection, it is one of reckless abandon. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, "not everyone can be famous, but everyone can be great, because greatness is determined by service." We are called to greatness...Greatness!!

We need to wake up, look up and live up. Wake from this stupor which we are in that allows us to ignore our calling to greatness and to sleep in our self-protective bubble. We need to look up to the God who is there waiting for us to look to Him. We need to live up tot he standard to which we are called, one of selfless lives and pouring ourselves out for others. Wake up! Look up!! Live up!!!


Okay, I will put my soapbox away for a little bit, but I have a feeling this will be something that needs to be said over and over for the next few years. Please, please, please repent and look to the Living God.

Part L

Late winter and spring of 1987 was a generally good time. I had good friends, passion in my commitment and a total unawareness of either my hypocrisy or of that which surrounded me. Even though the High School pastor, Keith, had a pretty low opinion of me, he and I would have lunch together 1-2 times per week. I even took great pride that he used me (anonymously) as the subject of some of his lessons, even though it was never in a good or positive context. Our Music Pastor had me write out the Hebrew for his early morning Hebrew class, Charles and I started a new drama ministry and Kurt left to take a job as a youth pastor up by Lake Tahoe. Kurt was the Senior Pastor's son, so I totally understood his need to be his own person. I started printing a newsletter for the Junior High group, but having to come up with all of the content on my own, I only did 4 months. We searched for a new pastor and I took classes with our College Pastor, Rick, on preaching. Things, in my perception, went pretty well until summer hit.

Late in June, Rick called me in to talk about the upcoming Junior High Camp at Alliance Redwoods and told me I could not go. I was really looking forward to it, and if he gave me a satisfying reason for the decision, I do not remember it. I just remember being angry and then humbling myself as much as I knew how. Eventually, they allowed me to go, but not to be a counselor...I got to clean things and get the generic term "staff." In the end, I still believe it was the same prejudice towards people who were different that did me in. I did not fit in the box of what people were supposed to be like with youth. I did not treat them like subordinates, but rather like equals. It was probably this equality which drove people crazy, but it may have been that I spent too much time with the girls. I did not have the Christian culture down enough to have a problem with inter-gender discussion and I was not self-aware enough to realize that young girls like the attention from older guys, even if the older guy is woefully unaware of what that would mean to them. It still cracks me up that some people had a problem thinking that I was gay for the way I dressed and being involved with drama and others thought I was on the move with the young girls. Either way, there was probably only a handful of people who realized that my intentions were pretty pure and I was just someone who was different.

Oh...In late May, my friend Allan had returned from College for the summer and told me I could save some money if I lived at his house for free. I do not believe he ever asked his Mom if i could, he just showed up with me one day. So, without notice, I left Mark's family hanging and moved out. I was so unaware of how my actions effected others, so dismally self-involved. It is hard to write this, to look at it on the page and realize that I hurt people and never even really thought about it.

August of 1987 was a tough time for me. Early in the month, the new Junior High Pastor was hired and began working. He let me know that I could be a probationary worker with the group until he had time to assess what all of the objections were to me. After having served in the ministry for 7 months and giving my full-throated support to this new hire, I was so offended that I told him he could keep his ministry to himself and I would move on. A week or two later, I received some other news. I had been hanging out with a girl and we were really friends. Regardless of what people thought, we never even held hands, but we did spend a lot of time together. She was in High School and Keith had gone to her parents and told them that she should not be allowed to date me so they made her stop spending time with me. This had an immense irony to it because not only were we not dating at all, but Keith was dating someone who had just got out of his High School ministry. My friend, Paul (who was the High School intern), also had a problem with my relationship with this girl and made it fairly clear to me. I can't figure out if I was dense and there was more to this relationship, or if I just came across as creepy to the extreme, but no one wanted me hanging out with her. Late in August I was called into the office of the administrative pastor and the new office manager to let me know that the church needed to make some cutbacks and they were eliminating my job and putting the old person back into it. They told me I could look for a job on my work time, but without pay. Since I could not afford to miss an hour of work, I waited til the two weeks were up. Also, around the same time, Allan told me that staying at his house was only until he went back to school, so I would need to move out within the week. I was left with few friends, no ministry, no job, feeling an outcast at my church, no home and I had no car even to get around with. It had been a year since I had become a Christian and things were most definitely, not getting better.

today's neuroses

For some time, I have wondered how the various experiences and weirdness of my life play out in the big picture. I believe strongly in the big picture, that there is more to life than just the ebb and flow of our fortunes every day. Last summer, I thought I had an answer to that and some agreed with me, while others clearly did not. I had an opportunity for a calling, which I define as a combination of my experiences, my passions and my gifting. I have seen other people who seem to understand their calling and I believe that we all have one. I guess my question is this: can we miss our calling? Can it just fly by and the opportunity is lost? If one misses the opportunity once, does it mean that was not their calling or are they destined to move on to something less satisfying? I guess that is more than one question.

As I have put down my story, and continue to write it, I can see some patterns, but also a whole lot of random circumstances. Am I the result of my experiences or do I have purpose? Can one change his destiny for the good, or for the bad, or is it pre-ordained? Believe it or not, these questions keep me up at night, make me ponder over a coffee or an evening movie. As I prayed last night, "what would you have me do?", I heard only the wind and could not hear the voice of God telling me a direction. There have been times when I felt so clear, and times like these that I can only see where I am at and no further. I must admit to preferring the former and detesting the latter. What do you think? Do you have a purpose?

*please refrain from references to Steve Martin (in "the Jerk") and "I have a special purpose."*

Part XLIX

Sometime during October of 1986, one of Gary's room mates gave his notice and I moved into his old room on November 1st. During this month Kurt also asked me to look at re-writing or doctoring a part of his script for the Christmas play and I turned my five lines into a sizable part. My friend Jon asked me if I would go to Winter Formal with his sister who was a junior, and although I did not know her well...she was cute, so I said yes. November came and I went to the dance and dinner with Laura, but we were not meant for each other and I had some reservations about dating a new friend's sister, so I never asked her out after that. I also was recruited and hired as the Assistant Manager at a clothing store just down the way in the mall and I did relatively well there, but always tried to get other guys better sales and mine suffered. I was used to spending Thanksgiving alone and when all the roomies went away, I spent Thanksgiving at our place alone. I wrote a one-act play that day on a yellow pad, but never performed it or even showed it to anyone. It was an honest look at being alone on holidays and I think it must have hit too close to home for me. The day before that I had called my friend Paul and had ended up talking to his Mom for a bit, when she found out I was going to be alone for Thanksgiving she invited me to spend the time with their family, but I assured her I was fine. She insisted that I come over and spend Christmas with them and I readily accepted that invitation. Paul was my friend, he had a good looking sister and I liked his family so it was really nice for them to ask. I doubt his Mom ever asked either Paul, his sister or his Dad before she invited me, but they were very gracious in taking in the stray. It was really nice of them and I have fond memories of that time.

In the middle of December, we performed the play with the unoriginal title of "the Christmas Gift." Kurt asked me to tell my story, or give my testimony in the language of the Christian community, and I agreed. I guess I just had never told anyone how recent my conversion was, because the response was a little drastic, including our High School pastor's immediate concern about my serving in any capacity in the church due to spiritual immaturity. That night also has an interesting asterisk, it was the last time in telling my story that I used the disingenuous line, "and everything was better after that." Life does not seem to work that way. There is an ebb and flow of good and bad and God has never promised that everything will go our way if we will do X. But, I did not understand that at the time and said what I thought was expected. After the play, Kurt asked me if I would direct a musical he had written for the Junior Highers and I agreed with one caveat, if I could serve in the Junior High ministry. I thought he would like that and was really putting the caveat in there as a joke, mostly due to a lack of understanding of how things work in ministry, but eventually he relented and allowed me to serve in his ministry and I began to direct his play.

At the end of the month, the regional manager came in to talk to me about my sales at work and told me that they would prefer to demote me or I could quit. Never being a huge fan of demotion, I quit without any care for the consequences. One of those consequences was that I could not pay rent and I ended up moving out of Gary's place and staying with my friend Mark (not the Mark from High School, the Mark from Church) for a few months. Mark's family was struggling to make ends meet, but I never even thought about that until later. My $200 per month for all expenses probably helped, but I am not sure it covered the hassle of having someone like me under their roof. Also, I was at the church one day and they told me they were looking for a receptionist. I told them I could do the job and they hired me. This was a huge deal, because our church's view at the time was pretty much that God had ordained women for office work...besides I had an earring, wore purple and was involved in theater. I had the unenviable situation of being involved in many things which a large portion of our members used as metaphor for being a homosexual. Little did they know that was not my issue, mine was quite the opposite, but perception is a bummer sometimes and I had an uphill battle from that point forward.

hmmm

Well, according to my analytics program, no one is really reading this anymore. I will continue to write when I have a chance and I know that my lack of consistency is probably the reason for the drop in readership. I will also try to blog when I don't feel like it so there is something up to update folks on my silliness and lack of a normal take on things. I hope if you read this, you are well. Drop a note and let me know that you are interested so I don't feel like I am shouting at the ocean and just getting back the occasional salty spray.

Part XLVIII

When I was in High School, I had attended Valley Church in Cupertino for a few weeks and so, when I got off work, I headed over for an evening service. I really can't remember what the message was that night, but I remember who was working the sound board. Back when I had attended the church before, I had met Paul. He was a year older than me and had attended a rival High School. Paul's school was on the good side of the tracks, as it were. Somewhere inside me, I knew that if I was going to change, I needed a new kind of friends. I decided that day that Paul was the beginning of that new direction. I really should have consulted with him, but caring about other people's needs wasn't a skill I possessed at the time. I just decided to make him my friend and it is perhaps the worst way to make friends with someone of which I have ever heard. By the grace of God and because Paul is a good guy, we are still friends to this day.

The next few weeks were interesting. I still lived in the van, worked at Foot Locker, and went to church every time I could. I went Sunday morning, College group Sundays, Sunday Nights, College Group mid-week and any event the church might plan. At work, I made everyone call me Israel ("wrestles with God") and even changed my name tag. I met more and more people who were a better influence on my life, but the truth is that Valley Church was a very conservative church and we had a mutual culture shock. I was shocked by the legalism and judgment and they were shocked at just how much I was not their idea of what a Christian was. Most of the people at Valley were what I called "lifers", meaning that if they remembered when they became a Christian it was when they were 4 or something. Paul worked with the High School group and I would hang out with him while he was setting things up and sometimes during their mid-week event.

In the college group, I met a lot of guys who seemed a lot older than me, though they were probably only 4-5 years older. One of these guys was Gary. Gary was a caring, nice, slightly effeminate guy who I was never quite sure was heterosexual. I am not casting any aspersions, it was just my perception. In early September, Gary invited me to go to Bible Study at his house, where he lived with three other guys. Every Monday they had a mandatory bible study/prayer meeting. I figured, anything to be out of the van, so I went. The guys all prayed for me and later that week invited me to move out of the van and onto their couch. It was a huge blessing as the cold months were about to hit and living in the van would have become a bummer. That Sunday I saw that the High School group's band needed a bass player and so I told them I would love to do it. What I did not tell them was that I did not know how to play Bass. For some reason, I just thought I could pick it up. It took only one practice for them to realize that they needed someone else and they never made me feel bad about it.

A few weeks after that, they posted auditions for the Christmas play. While I held a disdain for both amateur and church drama which holds fast to this day, I offered to Kurt (Junior High Pastor and Drama Geek, like myself) to help him with the auditions. During those auditions, I could not help myself and I got up to read for a 5 line part which no other guys came out to fill. Kurt cast me in that part and it gave me yet another excuse to come to church a couple of night s a week for the rest of the year. I also met Charles, a man almost exactly twenty years my senior who is still one of the greatest guys I have ever known. He was a married, Christian, dedicated actor who definitely did not fit the mold for Valley. He was accomplished enough to call me on my BS and caring enough to take me in when times were rough (but that comes later). There was a young High School girl who was also cast, whose name I can't remember, but she prayed to become a Christian during the rehearsal one night after I told her what it had done for me. Often times, within the Church, the outcasts bond together in arts ministries. This was the case at Valley and we all loved each other (okay, not all of us) and found comfort in the fact that we could be ourselves in this environment.

Around this time, I also received my first call from the Army. I was living on the couch of someone without any real ties to the house, I had no bills in my name, I was working under someone else's identity and SSN and do you know how long it took them to find me? One hour. All of this time, I had been running and hiding and no one was looking. When they did look, they found me fast. I got a call at Gary's house from a civilian who works with people who were AWOL. Apparently, 10,000 service members per year go AWOL for various reasons and they wait until you have been AWOL for 180 days to look for you. At that point, you fall under a different category and it is time to get you off the rosters. The guy told me to turn myself in and I would be fine, but I didn't believe him, so I kept living my life on the run and pretended he never called. He didn't call again, but I kept his number. It came in handy later.