why, what, where

I think I have heard it called the long night of the soul when one lies awake at night under the stress of decisions, questions and a heavy heart with some dilemma. If not, it should be. The bible says that when I know not how to pray, the Spirit makes intercession for me with unutterable words. I trust Him to do this. I do not even know what has caused the particular angst which I am feeling now, but I have always believed that my emotions were rather raw on the surface and that I felt things more deeply than many, but how could I tell if this were true. I try to avoid saying it, because it sounds arrogant like I am somehow better because I feel more. This is not what I mean, though. I mean that I see other people go through their lives, deal with decisions and problems in a level-headed way while everything I encounter carries so much weight weight me. Why has x happened? What is the lesson I can learn? Where will I find a solution? And finally, have I developed a philosophy for the particular issue before me. Philosophies of action and intent are very important to me, I think my wife believes I am OCD due to my need to fit every idea neatly into a compartment. Anyway, I would love to know how people go through life without feeling every little cut, every little slight, every wrong they see. It would seem, to me, a better life. But, perhaps those people look at people like me and wish they noticed pain more, I don't know. All I do know is that I am a malcontent and that really bothers me.

In-Laws

There seem to be varying views on the value of close in-laws. In some cases, as in most films, close in-laws are the bane of one's existence. They get in the way, they offer unwanted advice and the generally make a nuisance of themselves. On the other hand, some people see their in-laws as the masters of all things great and small, I have some friends like who feel this way, seriously. For me, it is neither.

My mother-in-law lives next door, I am not kidding. But it has worked out pretty well. My kids can go over and visit almost any day. When she needs something, or we do, there is always someone to help. One or the other of us can give a last minute invitation for dinner and we don't have to wait around, which as most of my family can tell you are the two things which make me most grumpy, waiting and hunger. The kids have the ability to play in both yards and we have a built-in sitter if the need arises. All in all, not a bad arrangement, regardless of my considerable hesitance to have her live next door.

On the down side, Mom sometimes forgets that she lives next door. She will call and tell us what the weather is like at her house or about her great view (you know you do). However, prior to moving here from California, she would call us and tell us it was snowing at our house because she saw it on the weather channel. We, of course, would tell her that we knew that, we saw it on the window. She will sometimes hang out her window and look at us if we are playing in the back yard. I am sure this is enjoyable for her, but honestly it is a little creepy for us (come on down, don't be shy). I guess I would put any downside to Mom being that close as quirks rather than problems. They make for great writing and funny stories more than anything else.

My wife and I have been married for just shy of 16 years and I think the first ten years, I just liked to bug Mom. I am obnoxious and confrontational and my mother-in-law is very much not. She is what I call a smoother, someone who calms the water. I on the other hand, rock the boat. I took great joy in shaking Mom up a little bit, I really don't know why, I guess I am just that big of an ass. I still do occasionally, but it is more in the vein of humor than picking a fight.

My mother-in-law is a great person and I truly love her. She is caring and thoughtful, always available and has accepted me genuinely over the time she has known me. I could not ask for a better relationship with an in-law. I guess the difference between my relationship with her and the ones I described earlier is that she is a real person and we see her that way. She has flaws, she is too worried about things, about always doing the right thing (this coming from one who suffers witht he same angst) and she has a very firm concept of Ought. However, she deals most of the time with grace towards people, she respects my role as a husband and a father and she is a phenomenal grandparent to my kids.

It is not mother's day, is not grandparent's day and her birthday is a few weeks past. There is no real reason to write how important she is to me and my family. I just woke up this morning grateful for having her in our lives and having her close by. My brother, who lost his mother-in-law to cancer a year or so ago, remarked to me that it was odd that he and I had these great mothers-in-law. He wondered if it was because of the strange and strained relationship with our own mother that we, in some great cosmic balance (he is a buddhist), have filled the void with women who have made an impact in our lives. I told him that I think that God has granted us a reprieve from the pain which an absent mother (emotionally and physically)can cause, and has blessed us richly with women who care. My mother-in-law tells me that she has prayed since my wife was a small girl for me, her husband. She has never doubted, openly at least, that I was that guy. That is an element of faith that I have learned from her. She trusts God so much that she knows that I was the one He chose and she knows He answers her prayers. Thanks Mom! I love you!

writing every day

I know that I have been quite lax in writing. The truth is that I haven't felt like it. It is not that I haven't had ideas or thoughts, but for some reason just the actual writing has kept me away. I have been reading Madeleine L'Engle's book, "Walking on Water" and was inspired to write everyday, regardless of whether or not I feel like it. She has marvelous quotes all throughout the book and I have really enjoyed the read. I tend to be very moved by quotes and have favorites for different occasions. Sometimes quotes are like a little prism through which we can see the world from another's paradigm. I also do not think one has to agree with everything someone says in order to resonate with a quote, although the more quotes from one author one resonates with, the more likely that author will be someone one agrees with.I am happy to be in an age of blogging where footnotes are less important as I am quite lucky if I just remember the person who wrote or said what I am quoting. I am reminded that my Dad likes to quote at various times "I would never belong to a group which would have me as a member" which he attributes sometimes to Bob Hope and sometimes to WC Fields. I am relatively certain it was Groucho Marx, but then I am regularly wrong about that of which I am relatively certain.

Life is busy

Yep, life is busy, sometimes incredibly so. I keep telling myself that this is just a season and it will slow down, but I don't really know that. And I don't want it to be that way. I want to play in the sand and run through the water and feel the greasy wetness of paint while fingerpainting. Or at least I think I do. For some reason, I have become an adult. I do not mean it in the sense of being responsible (which is good), but in the sense of a loss of wonder (which is bad). When Jesus says to come to him as a child, I do not think he meant in age but in the mind. A child's wonder, a child's glee, a child's love.

I left the house just after six this morning to go to the gym and looked at a beautiful Colorado sky, felt the tingle and strain of the cold as I took a deep breath and tried to enjoy a moment of true beauty. Our area is a newer development and does not have the luxury of big trees. My daughter has been wanting to rake leaves to jump into a pile, she is absolutely fascinated by it. When we drive down a street in an older neighborhood she looks with envy and says, "Daddy, look at all the leaves." I look down and see the unraked yellow and orange leaves of fall and see a chore to clean up, and thankfully not for me. My daughter looks at a painting of God-made pure joy and the promise of fun as she dives into them. The raking of leaves is not a chore for her, but rather the set-up for a moment of pure exhiliration. I want to see through her eyes.

My son tells me that for Halloween he wants to be a vampire-ghost-spy. And to my chagrin I hear my own voice telling him no. I stifled his creativity because we are Christians and we do not dress up as vampires or ghosts, much less both. All the while never mentioning that every Halloween as a child I dressed up as the devil. Hypocrisy does not even cover it. I found myself in a position I swore I would never be in, worried about how something would look or what others would say.

So, today I am committing to something. If my son wants to be a vampire-ghost-spy, then he shall be. I will help him make this costume. If my daughter wants to jump in some leaves, we will take a rake to the park and make a pile. Because playing is what life is truly about. Joy and wonder should be the hallmark of my life as a christian. Safe is never fun and fun is rarely safe. I will return to the boy who dreams, the boy who plays, the boy who stands in wonder at all that the Creator has made.

The under-reported story

In all the goings-on last week in politics, most people missed the fact the Mike Jones, the upstanding fella who outed evangelical Ted Haggard for his gay trists, was hitting the circuit saying he has had similar interludes with Larry Craig. Now while Ted Haggard has clearly admitted that he has done naughty things with the afore-mentioned male prostitute, this in no way attributes credibility to Mike Jones. I am still trying to figure out why an admitted prostitute can tell all about his trysts with famous people and not be arrested for the crimes which he is speaking about. I don't think the gay community is claiming this guy as their knight, so I guess I should not be surprised that no one is listening.

On a related note, there is all of this fluff on the web about Larry Craig's "wide stance" defense hitting the modern lexicon. I read one guy's article relating it to "my dog ate my homework" and "I didn't inhale." I find the almost reasonable excuse one of the most fascinating, because while it makes some sense, the average person would never think of it. He had a readily available excuse for his actions. To me that implies forethought. All of this being a fascinating diversion is not really a reason for him to leave office though. He is not a pastor or anything. He is just another scumbag politician, two-faced, lying jerk. Acting any other way would be conduct unbecoming a member of our government. Honesty and integrity are not expected, just results are. We vote for people based upon the fact that we agree with what they say they will do, not who they are. Until we start voting for the person, rather than their declared intention to do exactly as we would have them do, we can only expect more of the same.

haircuts

You know, I like the times when I didn't get haircuts. I did not look very good, but I rarely had to worry about looking especially bad. I see this in my kids not wanting to ever get there hair cut. Today I am trying out a new stylist and am hoping that it all works out. My hair look like crap right now with strands growing willy-nilly out the back of my neck searching for a migration path down my back and onto my butt. The only way to stop this is to execute those hairs as quickly as possible, leaving the little tips on my shoulders and clothes as a warning to all the other hairs who may try that route of escape. The experience of going to the salon is always uncomfortable as well. Some young girl, usually too made up and wearing too tight clothing, running her hands through my hair and chatting for 30 minutes or so. This is unnatural when you are in your forties. You are basically paying someone to flirt with you and I find it a little undignified, if not altogether unpleasant. All of this is to ask for your best wishes that I will not leave this new stylist looking even worse than I walked in. I'll let ya know how it turns out.