How not to explain medicine to your kids

So, we had a scare this past week. My wife's doctor found a lump and we spent the last week freaking out over the possibilities. We found out yesterday that all was okay and decided to tell our kids (9 & 11) without freaking them out too much.

SO first we told them that Mom was afraid she might have breast cancer and when they did not understand, we (okay I) called it Booby Cancer. This elicited giggles, which is like pouring gas on a fire for me. Then, based on a question about whether men could get booby cancer, I went into (for some unknown reason) that while men could get booby cancer, the higher risk for men was prostate cancer. The look of confusion was over within seconds when I said "butt cancer." This of course caused them to go into great rounds of laughter, but we were not finished.

My daughter asked if only men got butt cancer, to which my wife said no that women could get prostate cancer too. Of course, I then asked her which tranny friend of hers might get prostate cancer, because women do not have a prostate gland. Then my son asked, "what is a prostate gland?" Now, I should know better, I really should. But I love the sound of my kids laughing so much that I just could not help myself. I told them it that every man is born with a gland in their butt shaped like a donut. After this conversation, I was reminded how truly funny the human body is. However, tonight is 'back to school night' and I have a strong feeling that her teacher will be giving me a talking to about how my daughter is going around teasing all the boys about the donut in their butt. Sometimes the funny answer is not the best one.

News of the day

Ok, I am not kidding, these are actual headlines from today's papers:

-Belching Moose Add to Global Warming
-Woman sets fire to ex-husband's penis
-Pigeon Dung Examined in Bridge Collapse
-British Dwarf's Penis gets Stuck to Hoover
-Boy in court for throwing sausage
-T-Rex could run 18MPH

Some days I don't need to comment, there is too much material and way too obvious jokes. Have a great day!

Breaking up is NOT after all hard to do

A recent study has come up with the conclusion that you can indeed survive a break up...

Do we just no longer have anything for scientists to do? Have we discovered a cure for every major disease? Is everyone's life the piece of cake we were promised on the Jetson's? Or is it just possible that what passes for science is so clearly crap that we now just commission studies to prove the obvious? I know this is my pet peeve of the century, but seriously, the only thing worse than this nonsense we (the taxpayers) are paying for is that it is reported as the top science news in the World. Our scientists have reduced themselves to proving the obvious and mundane, or stating as fact something that is clearly a wild-eyed theory at best. Yesterday, these "scientists" said that they know that only 4% of the universes matter can be seen, they can not find the rest. Empirically, does this not somehow state that there is no "the rest"? This just holds my theory that science today is no longer the search for truth but a religion of secularists "proving" nothing but their own impotence and ignorance. Take a good look folks, the "facts" you have been told since childhood are only suppositions based on even flimsier pre-suppositions. What is the basis for knowledge? The beginning of modern science was actually, shocker, that there was a reasonable God who had created a reasonable universe making it possible to learn about it by the study of what was there. Now science has dumbed and numbed itself to the point that they say there is no God, and we make strong statements about conclusions we draw from what is not there.

There is line in the Bible, I think from 2 Peter, it describes a group of people who are unwise as "wanting to be teachers of the Law, even though they know neither what they are saying or the matters about which they make confident assertions." Sound familiar?

That darn pig!

So, when I saw the most popular healine of the day was, "pot bellies lead to heart disease" I was certain I needed to know what kind of bacteria the domesticated pigs were carrying. But no! Clicking on the story I found that 'scientists' (another word for aunt Millie) have discovered that heart disease can be predicted by how fat someone is. Seriously? And all this time I thought it was evenly distributed between obese and healthy people. This is really news? I know the "news of the unbelievably obvious" has been reported on this blog before but jeez (yes, thats a word) this is ridiculous. Who paid for this study? You and me, my friends. I would like to do a government study which proves, empirically, that ice cream is both cold and tasty. Do you think I could get a grant for that?

sorry about the delay

My kids went back to school today after a good, long summer so I have been busy. Here goes....

So, this guy in Australia finds some african lady on the net and wants to marry her and get his hands on her dowry of $85,000 in gold bars. Shocker of a lifetime, it is a scam. When he gets to Africa, there is no girl just a bunch of guys who beat him, rob him and hold him for ransom. Folks, I know everyone says this, but it is so true "if it sounds to good to be true, you are a freaking moron for even considering it." Everyone thinks they are different, they will find the one miracle deal and get ahead. The problem is, they don't exist, these miracle deals. Life is not easy, it takes work. So, put your mind, your heart and your elbow-strength into the hard work of success (or relationships) and you will succeed. If you do not, you will not. By the way, the email from the prince or former president of Liberia or Zimbabwe, who needs some of your money (say 10,000) to obtain his millions to split with you evenly....yeah, that one is real, but only if it comes from this website and the money goes into my bank. As Jon Lovitz would have once famously said, "Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Baby Goober, not Baby Einstein

Okay, so I was going to post about the headline, "Swedish grandmother hospitalized after beaver attack" but it was just too easy, so....

The Journal of Pediatrics is releasing a study which says that 'genius' DVD / videos are of no effect and may in fact be harmful. The article goes on to say that human interaction is far better to stimulate vocabulary growth and devlopment than any DVD, no matter how attention grabbing the entertainment may be. This puts into question my whole generation's childhood, where we were raised to sit in front of the TV most of the day while Mom and Dad slept off the hangover. Many people believe that it is the TV shows which effect us, but I disagree. It is the commercials which have the strongest impact. Lets face it, a commercial is simply product propaganda and, done well, can have a massive impact on the collective psyche of those who watch. My generation was raised on ads like Nike's "Just do it", Pepsi's "Gotta have it" and the ad campaign "All you want and more." (cant remember whose that was) And now the psychological community wonders why we lack impulse control. Any three year old could tell you....unless he is watching Baby Einstein, in which case he apparently can no longer speak.

just when you think all is well from the environment

This morning, fishermen in the Netherlands pulled an unusual item out of the sea. It was an 8 foot tall Lego man, said to have come "from the direction of England." As an avid dork, who grew up on comic books, I know EXACTLY what happened. Angered by his parents divorce, Tommy (or Johnny, whatever) takes his Lego set out and throws them into the channel. At the same moment, the shadow government is disposing of its toxic waste for the sole purpose of causing global warming and building up their alien army. Nature, or the un-natural, takes its course and LegoMan comes from the sea to defend the world against evil corporate giants and Daddy's infidelity. Unfortunately, he washed up in the Netherlands, where pot is legal, so he is sitting on a very large couch, eating Doritos and watching TV. Until next time, who knows where the the darkness grows? Lego Man!!!

Daily Show announces candidate visits

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart announced that 4 more candidates will be on their show in the coming two months. It is always worth watching the candidates in a less rigid format to see their comfort level, plus you can see Jon make fun of them right to their faces. Check it out at www.comedycentral.com/shows/the_daily_show and find out what the actual schedule is. I believe we will see Sen. McCain, Barack Obama,

Straight up crazy!

I caught a little bit of the Bravo show "Hey Paula" this morning. I have to say, she is a complete nutjob, and whoever told her this show would be a good idea for her image should be beaten with a hose. I watch Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D List" regularly and love it, she has assistants but they are normal people dealing within the strange world of celebrity and its effects on those in it. Paul Abdul is the most affected person I have ever seen. She actually cried when her personal hair & make-up guy, Daniel, could not make a flight to NYC to do her hair for Letterman. She has TWO wardrobe assistants and two producers, for what you may ask? For her life apparently, and it is a flop. Her anecdotes are all staged and upbeat and, frankly, very fake. I am trying to decide of she is stupid (and I mean IQ below 80 stupid) or just so affected from her belief in her own importance. When I worked in LA, I used to meet a lot of stars and her 'type' is not uncommon, it is just such a strange thing to see someone that out of touch with reality. Normally I love the crazies from reality shows and the more crazy, the better. But this was just painful. I think American Idol should sue the producers of "hey Paula" for the same reason Motley Crue is suing Tommy Lee's manager for "Tommy Lee goes to College." Because the show sucks so bad that those associated with the star involved get tainted by the "suckiness."

And now that I have written about it, I am tainted by suckiness too. Damn you, Paula Abdul!!!!!

Things that make me wonder

Every week or so, the national headlines are hit with a science story which causes one to question the intelligence of editors nationwide. It always seems to be a science story to give it the air of credibility. If it were in the sports page, it would be "baseball players suited up for a game," or in the food section it would be "oranges are orange." But this week's science healdine "people have sex because it feels good" is right up there with the one from a couple of weeks ago "obesity linked to caloric intake and lack of excercise." I am not making either of these up. Is our 'age of discovery' so over that we now tout the scientific advances of figuring out the obvious? I have written a few science headlines for future reports and future headlines. Forgive me if they have already been used.

1)Scientists say pain hurts
2)Holding your breath for too long can lead to death
3)Summer: warmer than winter this year
4)Tests find heterosexuals more likely to be attracted to those of the opposite sex
5)Government finds link between autumn and leaves falling