when things go awry

Most people seem to look outside themselves when things are not going their way. They look for whose at fault and begin to assign blame. There are many times when I wish I worked this way, that my brain went in that direction. But, it does not. I tend to blame myself and attribute every little problem to some poor decision, some malady, some sin.

I have been reading Job and find myself stunned by his argument, which is basically "I have never done wrong, so why are things going against me?" I am stunned, not because I wonder if he is delusional, but because of a life wherein one believes themselves blameless is a life I can not understand. I lay awake at night, wondering "what ifs." What if I were a better person? What if I had made better choices in my life? What if I were a better husband, provider, father, protector? What can I do to be better? And, I never feel it is enough.

In all honesty, I know that my wife and kids are better people than I am. I am not envious or dismayed, but grateful that I have been so blessed when I am unworthy. I know that the life I lead, my house, my wife, my kids...these are beyond a reasonable result of the decisions I have made. They are the essence of the Grace which God gives me everyday, that which I do not deserve. As I watched Celebrity Rehab last week and saw one of the counseling sessions, Dr. Drew talked about the addict viewing themself as bad forever because that is the way they were treated as a child. Having been treated, and told, that I was bad, weird, lazy, odd and had no value this touched me pretty deeply. I realized that I still see myself this way.

One of the graces which God has given me is that I have never been addicted to any substance. In my teen years, it was not from lack of trying, let me tell you. I simply never got hooked. Based on what I have heard, people must have a predilection for addiction. But, I would say that my upbringing would give me that. It is only by the Grace of God that nothing ever took hold of my life. I still see myself as less than others however, and not in the humble Christian way, but in a sort of sick way. Since I don't act very humble most of the time, I think people would be surprised by the level of my self-questioning. It is just self-protection =)