The restaurant I was working at was suffering from a poor location, or so we were told, and I could not make enough money. I have always suffered under the delusion that I will have more time to look for a job when I am not employed and I ended up quitting that job just 2 short weeks before they closed. I began looking for management jobs, it was time to be responsible. I had a few interviews, but nothing panned out, and after a visit to my brother's in Santa Monica, Cathy and I decided to move to Southern California.
On June 28th, 1992, we packed up a u-haul (even throwing one of our couches away because it didnt fit) and headed down the 5 towards Los Angeles. Keep in mind, we had no idea where we were going to live. My mom had suggested that we move in together and said she was going to rent an apartment the week before. When we arrived, she acted like the conversation never happened. So, Cathy and I were standing in my Aunt Carole's house in Simi Valley with a u-haul full of our stuff and nowhere to live. Luckily, Mom went out that night and rented a 2 bedroom and we moved in.
Cathy was miserable. I spent all day with our one car (out other car was still in San Jose) looking for jobs on the west-side and Cathy was stranded, alone, at my Mom's apartment...she just hated it. We were there for just a couple of weeks when she told me and we went and rented our own one bedroom in the quaint little suburb of Brentwood. Having no money, I took a cash advance on one of those credit cards they used to send you in the mail and we were immediately in the most debt I had ever been in. In late August, we both got jobs. Cathy began working at an upscale baby-furniture store called Bellini, and I became a day server at the well-known eatery, Broadway Deli. Cathy began some classes at UCLA extension, as she transitioned to UCLA proper. I began sending headshots out to agents and different gigs I would hear about. I also began to write more, and develop ideas for shows, movies and plays. We were poor, but we didn't really know it and we were beginning this great adventure called marriage together.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
This feels like too much
To be honest, I have avoided delving into the difficulties of life this year due to a combination of depression, anxiety and downright denial. Additionally, I am more proud than I would like and I really don't want people to know how badly I have failed this year. However, in the hopes of catharsis, I will burrow through this and reveal the struggle.
This morning I woke up to realize we had $19.50 in our account and the feelings of abject failure washed over me like a huge wave. Although I can honestly say that this time it was not my fault, there have been so many times that it was my fault that I have a hard time not second guessing every decision I have ever made. HSBC is threatening to take my car and I am wondering if it wouldn't be better to just hand it over and give up the payment. The $4200 per year I spend on just the car payment could be put to better use, and I could buy something functional and cheap in a couple of months. The difficulty with this is that I can't get much of a job if I can't get around. It is a little bit of a catch 22.
The job is a whole other struggle. My business was steadily growing, but beginning in the summer of 2008, a number of deals fell apart due to lack of financing, leaving me making only 16K this year. A friend of mine who has been in commercial real estate for over 25 years and is considered pretty successful told me yesterday that he has only made 18k in the same period from commissions. Additionally, I can't even get anyone to talk with me in my job search and I have a decent resume, I am good at what I do and have a whole nest of transferable skills. I can speculate on the reasons for not getting any responses for 6-8 months, but in the end the only thing that matters is the wall of silence I face every day. Cathy's business continues to grow, and I am so grateful for that, but I am supposed to be the one making the money and taking care of responsibilities. I am so proud of her that I don't have words for how great she is, and how impressed I am everyday by both her art and her business sense. However, no matter how much she brought in, it would never be enough to help me not feel like a failure for bringing in nothing.
I do know this, that God has and will provide for us and in the end everything will be okay. But today, I feel like a total failure. Here is hoping for a better day tomorrow.
This morning I woke up to realize we had $19.50 in our account and the feelings of abject failure washed over me like a huge wave. Although I can honestly say that this time it was not my fault, there have been so many times that it was my fault that I have a hard time not second guessing every decision I have ever made. HSBC is threatening to take my car and I am wondering if it wouldn't be better to just hand it over and give up the payment. The $4200 per year I spend on just the car payment could be put to better use, and I could buy something functional and cheap in a couple of months. The difficulty with this is that I can't get much of a job if I can't get around. It is a little bit of a catch 22.
The job is a whole other struggle. My business was steadily growing, but beginning in the summer of 2008, a number of deals fell apart due to lack of financing, leaving me making only 16K this year. A friend of mine who has been in commercial real estate for over 25 years and is considered pretty successful told me yesterday that he has only made 18k in the same period from commissions. Additionally, I can't even get anyone to talk with me in my job search and I have a decent resume, I am good at what I do and have a whole nest of transferable skills. I can speculate on the reasons for not getting any responses for 6-8 months, but in the end the only thing that matters is the wall of silence I face every day. Cathy's business continues to grow, and I am so grateful for that, but I am supposed to be the one making the money and taking care of responsibilities. I am so proud of her that I don't have words for how great she is, and how impressed I am everyday by both her art and her business sense. However, no matter how much she brought in, it would never be enough to help me not feel like a failure for bringing in nothing.
I do know this, that God has and will provide for us and in the end everything will be okay. But today, I feel like a total failure. Here is hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Part LXXI - seriously, I will have to give up roman numerals soon as they are becoming encumbersome
Coming home from our beautiful honeymoon to open a plethora of presents sounds more fun than it actually is. Realizing that some of your gifts are re-gifts does not sound as amuzing as it felt. All in all, we were getting into the swing of our new life together, getting to know each other in all new ways. I have to say the first time you walk in on your wife on the toilet, you know you are married, there is a familiarity that takes some getting used to and that is all I have to say about that.
Since Cathy wasn't yet twenty-one, our first foray into the world of gambling that I had known growing up was about a month after we were married, we took a trip up to Lake Tahoe for her twenty-first birthday. Cathy has no use for gambling and it took her years to get a vague impression of the dream that I enjoyed when I would gamble. I play nickel slots, I am not a huge gambler, but I love the return when you hit a big jackpot...it may only be seven dollars, but since you put in only a nickel, that is awesome. My mom always told me, you take money to spend, only a fool thinks they will win. I didn't think we would win, but I could dream about what would happen if we hit some big numbers and that was worth the 20-40 dollars I would spend when I would go. We have only ever been to a casino two other times in almost eighteen years and I actually find them seedy and gross, but I was young so I enjoyed it.
About a month after that was my twenty-fifth birthday. And now is a little harder revelation. There are a number of people who I love and respect, who let me borrow their cars over the years under the mistaken impression that I had a license, but I didn't until my 25th birthday. Although I talk a lot about the accident where I "lost my license", the truth is that I should have been jailed for not having one and the cops just let me go. The state of California revoked my ability to get a license in 1987 after my accident until I turned 25, or until I had proof of insurance which I couldn't get without a license (or so I was told). So, on March 4th 1992, I drove Cathy's car the block or two over to the Los Gatos DMV and took my driving test and got a license. Prior to this point, I had been pulled over by police for everything from standard checkpoints to wrong turns to bad tags, everytime wiggling my way out of it through false sincerity and charm. Now I actually had a license. Cathy would proceed, through a good influence and genuine love and care for me, to change my paradigm without really challenging it directly. Her goodness is a mirror for my flaws, and her love is the support I often need to change. I love her for that and many other things.
Since Cathy wasn't yet twenty-one, our first foray into the world of gambling that I had known growing up was about a month after we were married, we took a trip up to Lake Tahoe for her twenty-first birthday. Cathy has no use for gambling and it took her years to get a vague impression of the dream that I enjoyed when I would gamble. I play nickel slots, I am not a huge gambler, but I love the return when you hit a big jackpot...it may only be seven dollars, but since you put in only a nickel, that is awesome. My mom always told me, you take money to spend, only a fool thinks they will win. I didn't think we would win, but I could dream about what would happen if we hit some big numbers and that was worth the 20-40 dollars I would spend when I would go. We have only ever been to a casino two other times in almost eighteen years and I actually find them seedy and gross, but I was young so I enjoyed it.
About a month after that was my twenty-fifth birthday. And now is a little harder revelation. There are a number of people who I love and respect, who let me borrow their cars over the years under the mistaken impression that I had a license, but I didn't until my 25th birthday. Although I talk a lot about the accident where I "lost my license", the truth is that I should have been jailed for not having one and the cops just let me go. The state of California revoked my ability to get a license in 1987 after my accident until I turned 25, or until I had proof of insurance which I couldn't get without a license (or so I was told). So, on March 4th 1992, I drove Cathy's car the block or two over to the Los Gatos DMV and took my driving test and got a license. Prior to this point, I had been pulled over by police for everything from standard checkpoints to wrong turns to bad tags, everytime wiggling my way out of it through false sincerity and charm. Now I actually had a license. Cathy would proceed, through a good influence and genuine love and care for me, to change my paradigm without really challenging it directly. Her goodness is a mirror for my flaws, and her love is the support I often need to change. I love her for that and many other things.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Part LXX - a new beginning (that is just for all of you Star Wars Geeks out there)
January 3rd, 1992 came upon me rather quickly. I had a job and a life, but was fairly surprised at how weak and transparent I felt as I headed into my marriage. It was a Friday night and we were at our rehearsal for the ceremony to take place the next day. I would like to tell you all about this rehearsal, but I remember nothing about it. I do remember a few things about the "rehearsal dinner", because the groom's family is supposed to pay for that. Since my family was barely involved in my life, they had not offered to pay for anything and I had not asked. My father had opted not to come because it was a long way away and he would feel uncomfortable with the other attendees (that is what he told me, I think it probably had more to do with the costs associated with coming as the early nineties were a very hard time in his industry). Since I could not afford a dinner, My soon to be mother-in Law had allowed us to have a little dessert at her house. That night was the first time I saw my brother smoke. Having grown up in smoking households and both of us hating the smoke, it really surprised me to see him smoking (he quit in the late nineties). After the get together, I went back to the new apartment with Darin, his girlfriend Antoinette, my Mom and her husband, Ted. I did not allow smoking in my house, so Ted grabbed one of my new dishes to use as an ashtray and after lighting up inside the apartment, walked out onto the deck to soil my new dish. That guy was such a jerk.
Although it was hard to go to sleep, eventually I did and woke early to get ready for the most important day of my life. Again, I would like to relate many things about the wedding, but I remember so very few...it was a blur. Unfortunately, I do remember a few bad things. It is sad to me that this wonderful day that legally bound my beautiful Cathy to me, and all I can remember is a few bad things. Oh well. One of those things was that we waited and hour and a half after Cathy and I got to the reception for my family to arrive before eating. I did not know it at the time, but they had all stopped for a few hours at a bar for drinks...I am not kidding. So, eventually, we started without them. I am allergic to tomatoes and had made it very clear to my friend and groomsman, Steve, who had catered the food. His explanation of the tomatoes in my pasta were that they were only a garnish, showing a clear lack of understanding of the nature of food allergies...so I did not eat at the reception. When my family finally did arrive, we got to the first dance and that cherished wedding ritual, the money-dance. Except no one at our wedding danced except Cathy, myself and my Brother and Antoinette. I was counting on the money dance to pay for part of the honeymoon, but had to borrow money from my mother-in-law instead. During the wedding party dance, one of my groomsmen, Allan, refused to dance with one of the maids, because she was not his wife...no joke...what a tool.
When we had enough, we left for our overnight stay at the Fairmont in downtown San Jose. It was a relief to be out of there and I stopped thinking at all about the things that did not go well as we headed out for a full week of honeymooning. The next day we went up the coast to Mendocino county, to a little bed and breakfast in Gualala CA. It was called the Old Milano Hotel and we had rented a train caboose that was out on a cliff, high above the pacific ocean. It was beautiful, but very cold, and I had a great time. Those memories are clear and I will keep them for my honey and myself, except to say this....after all this time, if that B&B still exists, I highly recommend it. It had no TV, no radio and no heat except a wood-burning stove, so we had to get close and spend a lot of time in conversation. This set the stage for what our marriage would look like and I am blessed by this. We learned to enjoy the quiet and every once in a while, we just have to remind ourselves of that trip and we remember the quiet and the peace and the great joy of beginning our lives together.
Although it was hard to go to sleep, eventually I did and woke early to get ready for the most important day of my life. Again, I would like to relate many things about the wedding, but I remember so very few...it was a blur. Unfortunately, I do remember a few bad things. It is sad to me that this wonderful day that legally bound my beautiful Cathy to me, and all I can remember is a few bad things. Oh well. One of those things was that we waited and hour and a half after Cathy and I got to the reception for my family to arrive before eating. I did not know it at the time, but they had all stopped for a few hours at a bar for drinks...I am not kidding. So, eventually, we started without them. I am allergic to tomatoes and had made it very clear to my friend and groomsman, Steve, who had catered the food. His explanation of the tomatoes in my pasta were that they were only a garnish, showing a clear lack of understanding of the nature of food allergies...so I did not eat at the reception. When my family finally did arrive, we got to the first dance and that cherished wedding ritual, the money-dance. Except no one at our wedding danced except Cathy, myself and my Brother and Antoinette. I was counting on the money dance to pay for part of the honeymoon, but had to borrow money from my mother-in-law instead. During the wedding party dance, one of my groomsmen, Allan, refused to dance with one of the maids, because she was not his wife...no joke...what a tool.
When we had enough, we left for our overnight stay at the Fairmont in downtown San Jose. It was a relief to be out of there and I stopped thinking at all about the things that did not go well as we headed out for a full week of honeymooning. The next day we went up the coast to Mendocino county, to a little bed and breakfast in Gualala CA. It was called the Old Milano Hotel and we had rented a train caboose that was out on a cliff, high above the pacific ocean. It was beautiful, but very cold, and I had a great time. Those memories are clear and I will keep them for my honey and myself, except to say this....after all this time, if that B&B still exists, I highly recommend it. It had no TV, no radio and no heat except a wood-burning stove, so we had to get close and spend a lot of time in conversation. This set the stage for what our marriage would look like and I am blessed by this. We learned to enjoy the quiet and every once in a while, we just have to remind ourselves of that trip and we remember the quiet and the peace and the great joy of beginning our lives together.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Part LXIX
So, after asking the big question and getting the answer I had hoped for, we began to plan our big wedding. You have to remember that I was an actor-waiter at the time and had no real means to support my wife and I, much less the means to afford a wedding. But, kids are stupid and all that mattered to us was that we were in love.
Our first decision was who to choose for the minister, and usually that person would be doing the pre-marital counseling as well. Neither of us wanted to choose the College Pastor for personal reasons; I had a friendship with the High School Pastor but he was out of town and we needed to book the date; The Counseling and Junior High Pastors were either not that kind of Pastor or too green to handle our nuptials; the Music Pastor and Senior Pastor were close personal friends of Cathy's Mom and that left us with the Family Pastor. We didn't know him, had no connection to him and that was what we were looking for. He had some similarity in looks to Michael Landon, so we called him our little pastor on the prairie. His name was Dave.
Dave started us out with a financial review, since this partnering of our lives would include the mixing of our assets. It didn't take long. I had no bank accounts and only clothes to my name, I was house-sitting at the time and had no permanent place to live. Cathy had about $600 in a checking account, a Visa with a credit limit of $400 and all of her furniture from her childhood room. Yeah, we were living in style. The next thing Dave got into was Generational Sin. This was the first time I had ever heard the concept, but man it is a real thing. Our next three or four sessions were like group therapy and Cathy would cry for hours afterward. We were undaunted, though, by either our lack of means or my familial history of lack of commitment and we headed into our wedded bliss.
As a word of caution, or perhaps foreknowledge, to all couples with impending nuptials out in the blogosphere, the engagement period is one of the most trying times with your soon-to-be spouse that you will encounter for some time. I have heard the same story from many people and I believe it stems from the subconscious realization that forever is about to happen and your inner brain begins to doubt your ability to decide. We got through it with only a few bruised egos and in November of that year, we rented a 1 bedroom apartment in downtown Los Gatos (although only I moved in for about 5 weeks prior to the wedding). I had chosen Paul to be my best man and had filled my groomsmen with either old friends or new friends with whom I did not have a long relationship: Mark (from High School); Allan (Former Roomie) and Steve (Newer friend who I thought would be a friend for life, but I have only spoken with him twice since 1992 - haven't spoken with Allan except maybe 4 times in that period). Paul arranged my bachelor party at a Teppanyaki restaurant (think Benihana, but less traditional) and an evening of indoor paintball. I think he may have had trouble finding people who wanted to come, because I seem to remember some "fillers" in there to make it look like I had more friends.
I had a decent job, an apartment to call my own and was heading into one of the more important days of my life. All was looking okay.
Our first decision was who to choose for the minister, and usually that person would be doing the pre-marital counseling as well. Neither of us wanted to choose the College Pastor for personal reasons; I had a friendship with the High School Pastor but he was out of town and we needed to book the date; The Counseling and Junior High Pastors were either not that kind of Pastor or too green to handle our nuptials; the Music Pastor and Senior Pastor were close personal friends of Cathy's Mom and that left us with the Family Pastor. We didn't know him, had no connection to him and that was what we were looking for. He had some similarity in looks to Michael Landon, so we called him our little pastor on the prairie. His name was Dave.
Dave started us out with a financial review, since this partnering of our lives would include the mixing of our assets. It didn't take long. I had no bank accounts and only clothes to my name, I was house-sitting at the time and had no permanent place to live. Cathy had about $600 in a checking account, a Visa with a credit limit of $400 and all of her furniture from her childhood room. Yeah, we were living in style. The next thing Dave got into was Generational Sin. This was the first time I had ever heard the concept, but man it is a real thing. Our next three or four sessions were like group therapy and Cathy would cry for hours afterward. We were undaunted, though, by either our lack of means or my familial history of lack of commitment and we headed into our wedded bliss.
As a word of caution, or perhaps foreknowledge, to all couples with impending nuptials out in the blogosphere, the engagement period is one of the most trying times with your soon-to-be spouse that you will encounter for some time. I have heard the same story from many people and I believe it stems from the subconscious realization that forever is about to happen and your inner brain begins to doubt your ability to decide. We got through it with only a few bruised egos and in November of that year, we rented a 1 bedroom apartment in downtown Los Gatos (although only I moved in for about 5 weeks prior to the wedding). I had chosen Paul to be my best man and had filled my groomsmen with either old friends or new friends with whom I did not have a long relationship: Mark (from High School); Allan (Former Roomie) and Steve (Newer friend who I thought would be a friend for life, but I have only spoken with him twice since 1992 - haven't spoken with Allan except maybe 4 times in that period). Paul arranged my bachelor party at a Teppanyaki restaurant (think Benihana, but less traditional) and an evening of indoor paintball. I think he may have had trouble finding people who wanted to come, because I seem to remember some "fillers" in there to make it look like I had more friends.
I had a decent job, an apartment to call my own and was heading into one of the more important days of my life. All was looking okay.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friends
So, in the past few weeks I have really been struggling with the concept of friendship and what it means. Contrary to what some might think, I am a fiercely loyal friend, and it takes some time for me to adjust to the realities of time and distance. However, I have seen the entire spectrum of friendship recently and am left wondering what it means.
I have realized that old and dear friends never really liked me, and seen former friends reach out a hand of encouragement. I have seen the deterioration of strong bonds and seen others hold against all odds. For many friends, old and new, I have seen that the intensity of my personality has been too much. At the same time, for others, I have had them tell me it is what they like most about me. I have had some of the strongest encouragement and some of the deepest hurts, all in the same period of time. I am confused, befuddled, questioning.
Is my perception so poor that I can not tell who will like me and who will not, or has liked me and who has not? How can one person draw the sneer from one person and the genuine affection of another...with the same actions? I want to know your thoughts on friendship. Though I almost never get a response or comment on my blog, I would love one now. Enlighten me! I want to know.
I have realized that old and dear friends never really liked me, and seen former friends reach out a hand of encouragement. I have seen the deterioration of strong bonds and seen others hold against all odds. For many friends, old and new, I have seen that the intensity of my personality has been too much. At the same time, for others, I have had them tell me it is what they like most about me. I have had some of the strongest encouragement and some of the deepest hurts, all in the same period of time. I am confused, befuddled, questioning.
Is my perception so poor that I can not tell who will like me and who will not, or has liked me and who has not? How can one person draw the sneer from one person and the genuine affection of another...with the same actions? I want to know your thoughts on friendship. Though I almost never get a response or comment on my blog, I would love one now. Enlighten me! I want to know.
Thanks, Mom!
My mother-in-law saw the typo in yesterday's post, which I have now fixed. I asked Cathy to marry me June 19th, 1991 (not 1992 as previously stated). Thanks for catching that!
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