another event from this time

I can't really put an exact date on it, but it was during this period of my life that I realized that lying worked for me. One would think that a parent would discourage this and although my folks' words said lying was bad, their actions said something else. It took me another fifteen years to see the other side. A couple of events in particular stand out in my mind as supporting the deceitful enterprise.

The first is a general, everyday occurance with my Dad while I was growing up. My Dad was (and is) a salesman. He is good at it. There were times when he would yell and scream and beat me, but if a client called, his entire demeanor would change. He would put a smile on his face, get calm immediately and say, "How the hell are ya?" to the person on the phone. This always struck me as psychotic. To this day it feels like a lie to pretend to feel other than I do. As such, if you ask me the common question "How are you?" I will actually tell you. This really bothers some people.

The second is very specific, but as I rack my brain, I can not come up with the thing I was supposed to have done wrong. Anyway, Dad thought I had done something. I had not. I don't remember what the something was, maybe Darin did it, maybe the dog did, I don't know but Dad was very mad at me and had hit me and grounded me. As he was coming into my room for another round of punishment, I admitted I had done it. Let me say again, this was a lie. It just came out as a defense, "okay, I did it and I am sorry." Dad stopped yelling, lost his anger and thanked me for my honesty.

The first situation taught me that lying worked for Dad. The second that lying worked for me. Now, I did not realize that would change me at the time. Nor did I realize how hard of a habit lying is to break. At one point in my life, it encompassed every aspect of my being (ok, that may be an overstatement). I still see this time as the beginning of my life truly changing for the worse. Before this, all the bad was external with some normal kid stuff, stupid things. After this, I was not a good person at all and the bad became internal. My soul began a deterioration which lasted a number of years until God plucked me out of it and started the long trek back up to sanity.