Thursday, November 13, 2008

busy bee

I am sorry to say I have been interrupted every time I have tried to write my story for the week. Not a complaint, just a reality. It does take time to think about it and put it down in the journal here, so I need a small block of time to work on it. I am hoping to get to this week's part by the weekend. Here's hoping.

On another note, I have decided, after telling my Mom that she did not want to read my blog for months, to invite her to read away. I love her dearly and realize that some of the things I have related could be embarassing for her, or she may not agree with their accuracy. However, I want her to have the opportunity and freedom to respond to what I think about my life without any fear of my judging her. I sincerely hope that none of it hurts her feelings. One of the things that has stunned me about writing out my story has been that I have realized that the past has no hold on me once I get it out. Again, I want to state that these are my memories and no one has perfect memories, but it is the way I remember it. I have also realized that as the story goes on, I am less and less sure of what a horrible childhood I had...it was not all bad and whether I admitted it or not, God was there the whole time taking care of me. I struggle with seeing value in what I am doing in this, after that realization. But, somewhere deep inside there are two things: I said I would finish my story & It has made me feel better about myself to get these things out. Some of my feelings about my past, after I write them out, are clearly not an accurate perception. They are often very self-protective, self-effacing or self-promoting. I leave them the way I first wrote them (how I felt about it) because I am not ashamed to say that is what I thought at the time. My prayer is that God will continue to change me to see the world with clarity and see people as He sees them, with love instead of judgement.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Part XXXVI

The week started out rough as it was. Mom had to go down and pay a couple of hundred dollars to the school just so I could graduate. I had kept my football jersey; had done a candy drive, and spent the money; as well as a couple of other things I did not hold up my end of. On Tuesday she told me I had to be out of her house by Saturday, two days after graduation. I mentioned this at school and people asked what I was going to do and I said, "I don't know." I wasn't really thinking too clearly, but as far as Naomi was concerned, it was unimportant because I was moving to Honolulu with her. On Wednesday night they held our Baccalaureate service at Stanford University Chapel. My brother and his girlfriend came into town that day and we all drove to Stanford together. For those of you who don't know Palo Alto in the 80's, it was an interesting ride. You see, if you turn one way off the freeway, you are in the Palo Alto people think they know...multi-million dollar homes, high end shops and the like. But, if you turn the wrong way, the other way, you end up in East Palo Alto. During the 1980's many people thought South Central Los Angeles, or South Side Chicage or some other area had the highest murder and crime rate. Well, they were wrong, it was the tiny third-world region in the midst of great wealth known as East Palo Alto. We went the wrong way and had an adventure, but I will save that story for another time. Eventually, we made it to Stanford.

After the service, two sisters I knew from Choir and their mother walked up to me and offered to let me move into their house for the summer. I responded by telling them I would get back to them. Naomi was right next to me, but it did not occur to me that this would be a problem. Well, it was. When we got home, she started the conversation with, "I don't want to make you mad, but F%#$ You!" There were so many problems with this statement that it mad my head spin. First of all, "I don't want to make you mad"? Tell that to the next phrase you utter. Also, save the F You for later in the argument when it can punctuate your point. I just didn't know what to do with the curse that early in the conversation. I wasn't even prepared with a F you too. Instead, I grabbed my brother and told him I needed a drive to calm me down and he and I drove around for an hour or so and then headed back so I could deal with whatever her problem was. When we arrived, Naomi was gone. She had called my friend Mark and he had picked her up. I did not know until the next day that she was not coming back, so I waited up the night before my graduation to have our talk. I was less than pleased in the morning.

When I got to school, Mark came up to let me know it was not his idea that she did not come back and I told him it was a bad idea to get in between our spat. That was it, no more problem with Mark. Guys are so shallow that we can forgive some pretty big things, so long as there is a guy explanation. He had taken her to his girlfriend's house and she stayed there. I did not see her again until she came over for my graduation. Since I did not want to discuss it during my celebration, we really didn't talk much. I have pictures of the two of us together at graduation but I don't remember saying a word to her. We had dinner and presents afterward, and then I went to my grad night, all-night celebration. I got home about 4am and slept on the couch, while she was asleep in my bedroom. I guess my brother went to play golf and sometime around 11am I heard my Mom and Darin's girlfriend leaving and telling Naomi to let me sleep. About one minute later, she said, "are you awake?" Of course I was so I said yes. She asked to talk about what happened and I said I had nothing to say. She said she didn't want to end that way and I told her she should have thought of that the other night. I didn't see Naomi again for over a year.

That evening, I threw all my stuff into a friend's car and moved into the house of the family that had invited me. They had a celebratory end of school pool party and I found an interest in a girl named Julie, who I hooked up with at the party. I was quite the guy for a rebound, and though Julie did not know me yet, all my friends saw this as my pattern of skipping from one romance to the next without a care for the one I left behind. I would say they were accurate at that time of my life.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

so sorry

As I just posted part 35, I realized that I had only posted 3 times in October which is 1/3 to 1/5 of my norm. I have been really busy, but for those of you reading the story, I am truly sorry. At this rate, I should be done around April of 2014! Yay!!!

Part XXXV

In February of 1985, a dance troupe from University High School in Honolulu came to our school. We hosted them, with many of them staying at people's houses who were in choir. We actually did this fairly often for visiting performing troupes. The whole school had an assembly and we got to see Island dance first hand. During the hula routine, I leaned over to the friend who was sitting next to me and said, "the one on the end is mine." It turned out, that the girl on the end, Naomi, was staying with his girlfriend's family and we ended up spending a lot of time together. She was a very pretty girl and nicer than many folks I knew, also island people from all over the world seem to be a little more laid back about everything and I really enjoyed that. So after we had been cuddling for two or three days, I said to her, "I think I might be falling in love with you." To which her reply was, "Ahh, I love you too." And so, I began my first and last long-distance relationship. Later in the week, they continued their tour and eventually went back to Hawaii. I began racking up phone bills ranging from $150 to $380 per month.

Shortly thereafter we went on the second (for me) Chapman College trip for the singing competition. Upon our return, I was cast in the spring play, "Voices from the High School" again getting various roles about teen issues and angst. This was less than a month after the release of "the Breakfast Club" and I modeled all of my characters on Judd Nelson's character in that film, even doing a lip-synch to "Don't You Forget About Me." During the rehearsals, I ended up sort of dating a Pastor's Kid named Becca. She was sweet, nice to me and liked me a lot. She asked me in early May if I was going to ever ask her to the Senior Ball and I said "no, I am going with my girlfriend in Hawaii, I thought you knew." She did not know and she was not happy. Naomi graduated earlier than me, so she was able to visit for the last few weeks of my HS experience. She arrived the day the play opened and was surprised to see me get high right before the show. I tried to explain to her about method acting, but it carried little weight.

Naomi had really come out to help me move to Honolulu with her. I guess I told her I would, but don't really remember saying so. I was terrified of being stranded on a 40 mile wide island if things didn't work out and I would have no way to get home. A week later was my Senior Ball, which I had agreed to double with my friend Peter before I found out he had asked Becca. Apparently, he had forgotten to tell her also, because the day of Prom, she came down with a sudden sickness and was unable to go. We called my friend Laurie, who had graduated a year early the year before and was happy to attend Senior Ball with all of her former classmates. Naomi had made her own dress and my cummerbund, Laurie was a big fan of Madonna and wore a white lace thing that was poofy and really cute for the time (very dated though, it was definitely 1985). We drove up to the Sheraton Palace in San Francisco and half way through the dance, we left and took the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) under the bay to Berkeley for ice cream. After the dance, we drove down to Half Moon Bay on the coast and Peter and Naomi wanted to walk around. The Pacific ocean up around San Francisco is cold and damp at night, heavy-laden with fog and generally un-fun in a tux. I said as much and Naomi told me I could just sit in the car, Laurie agreed with me and stayed. A few minutes later, they returned and we got home around 3am. It was a good night, a good memory, o good way to finish out high school. The next week, the week of graduation was not so much good.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Part XXXIV

Christmas in 1984 was an interesting time. As a small ensemble (which I had auditioned for and rejoined at the beginning of my Senior year), we again sold Christmas Carols and participated in various Christmas themed contests, sang at malls and church gatherings. I was involved in a fun version of Charles Dickens' "a Christmas Carol" in which we played various roles and had a pretty good turn-out. I dated one co-star in the production, but dated another after the cast party. I also stole a number of my step-father's credit cards and ran up about $800 buying various Christmas presents for myself and friends. On Christmas eve, my Mom and I loaded up into the car and drove to my Aunt Carole's house. This was the only time I had seen the entire family together. Even my Uncle Reb joined us after not seeing his family for thirty years or more. My cousin Greg was about to turn eleven and we had a lot of fun playing football and just hanging out. For Christmas day, we had 10 adults and 9 kids with me as the oldest and my brother stopping by later in the night. My uncle Charlie, shocked by getting gifts, went to his trunk and picked up things which he then gave out to the kids. I got a screwdriver.

A couple of days later, we drove home. I never even asked why Bud didn't come with us. I was just happy he didn't. The first day back to school, the girl I had hooked up with at the cast party, Michelle, came and asked me to the Winter Formal Ball. I told her that I would go, as long as she paid for everything and she agreed. Michelle was very pretty but she was not really what I was interested in at the time. She was pretty, smart, dressed well, was in small ensemble and a co-lead in many plays with me and had a geeky quality that did not show at first glance. She was a nice girl and I treated her as poorly as about anyone I had up to that point. And that is really saying something. The week before the dance, a mildly more popular girl named Dawna asked me to go to the dance. The conversation went a little something like this:

Dawna: Hey do you want to go to the dance with me?
Me: I am already going with Michele.
Dawna: Couldn't you get out of that?
Me: Yeah, I could. Okay.

Michelle found out not from me, but from the grapevine. She was less than happy. She called me and put me on the spot, which I did not like, so I told her that I was going with Dawna. It was really not a fun dance and Dawna and I double dated with some toher folks who I knew but were not the party type. The dance was in San Francisco and was the night before the 49ers beat the Dolphins at Stanford Stadium for Super Bowl XIX. People were drunk and crazy and yelling out things like "niners!" all night long.

The following Thursday, we got report cards. I had always done as well as I wanted to in school and all I cared about my senior year was passing, so I often skipped classes and bent the rules to my pleasure. After all, I had enough credits that all I needed to graduate was one class for one semester. That class was American Government and I knew from the way the teacher graded that I would receive a B- from the work I had turned in and the tests I had taken. So, the day of report cards, my teacher handed them out personally. He smiled as he handed me a piece of paper upon which was written the district policy for attendance. It said, any student could be given an incomplete who missed 21 or more days of a semester, regardless of reason or the work completed. Thinking he was joking due to the smile on his face, I reached out for my grade. The paper said Goverment: Inc. Absences: 23. I was devastated and figured I could talk my way out of it, so I refused to sign up for another government class. Pre-season track was on and I began high jump, pole vault and long jump. On February 1st, Mom and I moved away from Bud for the last time and back to an apartment in Sunnyvale...Bud moved to an apartment in the same complex.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Part XXXIII

Early in my senior year, I had made a bet with a friend that I would go to every couple's dance that year, that I would not ask anyone and would not pay for any of them. Yeah, I was a catch, what can I say? There was a power play in most girls I dated back then. I was proving my bravado by dating whomever I wanted, regardless of having no qualities which a girl would find attractive and dating them on my own terms. Since it never hurt me in that area to act like a jerk, I made it a science. My lack of concern for the feelings and hurts of these girls still gives me a shiver. Anyway, the first dance that year was homecoming and I was asked by a friend from choir. I simply told her that I could not afford anything and she bought everything, tickets and all. On top of that, I did not have a license, so we doubled with my friend Mark and his date (also just a friend) Debbie. It was a pretty quiet evening, I was not used to going out with just a friend and did not really know how to act. I remember it as being uneventful but pretty fun to just hang out. You would have to ask her if it was the same for her, I never asked.

That Friday night, we had played our homecoming game against Cupertino HS and lost 19-0. I didn't even get to play, and didn't really care as I was just proving to myself that I could finish the season on the team. We finished the season 3-7 with four of our losses by less than 7 points. That is pretty good for a team which was the joke of the league the year before, finishing 1-9. The three other losses were complete blowouts. My mom finally came to one of my games, the last one. We lost 7-6 and I didn't even get to play, but mom was in the stands wearing my away jersey. It was "mother's night" and they honored the mothers in the middle of the field at half-time, which I found odd because Mom had never given me even a ride to practice, much less gone to a game before that. But, I finished the season, and follow-through was not my strong point. Of that, I was proud and could move on.

The first day back to school, a sophomore girl I had dated in the summer once or twice, asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance in response to me telling her that her skirt looked like upholstery (what a peach huh?). I agreed because I was on the spot and because it was a quick way to make sure I was on track to win my bet. Lisa had a huge crush on me and it showed. She was a pretty girl, but was going through the awkward zits and braces stage of teen hell. I was definitely not the guy to make her feel better about it. Sadie Hawkins was in November, just after our season ended and a bunch of us went to some house and drank blackberry schnapps. I don't know if Lisa was much of a drinker, but she got toasted and we headed to the dance. I sort of lost her at the dance at one point and I saw a friend (female) and began talking to her when Wham's "Careless Whisper" began to play so we began to dance because we could slow dance and talk at the same time. Mid-way through the dance, Susan says to me, "Oh no. Look behind you." So, I turn around and Lisa is standing there crying like seeing me dance with Susan was the worst thing that could possibly happen. Now, I was not one to be particularly sensitive at the time, but I still don't know what the big deal was. We were just dancing, and not even interested in each other. Anyway, Lisa made a fool of herself that night in front of everyone, but I attribute it to the booze. I guess I should have checked up on what her expectations for the night were. I mean, she did pay for everything.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Part XXXII

In late July of 1984, I decided to take one more run at football and joined the pre-season for varsity. Using my theory of lying, when asked I told the coach I was an All-State wingback in Colorado. Unfortunately, I had the wrong position and meant flanker. The position I was put in was actually wing-back which is a sort of utility back position (some receiving; some rushing; lots of blocking) and at 160 lbs., I was a tad light for the job. On defense, I played cornerback. In order to be eligible to play, every player had to carry a 2.0 GPA and have had at least 4 C's in the previous semester. Through my tomfoolery of the previous semester, I had only taken three classes but had all A's and a GPA of roughly 3.8. Nonetheless, I was ineligible for the first 6 games and was sent to third string for both practice and eventually for the whole season. I should note that I was still an excellent receiver, so long as you didn't need me to be fast or agile. I did not drop a pass thrown to me for 7 straight weeks in practice (I only had three passes thrown to me in games and I caught all three, but not for very much yardage).

On August 1st, we moved to Santa Clara as Mom re-united with Bud. This put us out of our district and I ended up having to go to another rival school for one day before they could approve my transfer back to Fremont High...it was weird. I was headed into my senior year and the larger apartment made for larger parties on the weekends when Mom and Bud would head up to the cabin. I began working at a little known (at the time) sandwich shop called Subway. I quickly became a trusted employee and was given my own key to the place which just caused me to use it to grab soda from the machine or ice any time I needed it because the shop was a short walk from our place. As the semester began, I was an aide in the office and pretty quickly stole a roll of stickers which when added to your student ID, allowed you into some dances for free and gave you some discounts also. I passed them out to my football buddies and one of them turned me in, so I lost my class as an office aide. Although I was the life of the party and so somewhat popular, some people really disliked my scamming ways and "Eddie Haskell" charm. Later I would find that even those who hung out with me were not all that fond of me and that I had created few lasting friendships. I guess that is what happens when you use people for your own purposes.

Bud and Mom were drinkers and pot-smokers and had a tendency toward irrational behavior. Bud was always devising money-saving plans around the house and the one that usually got me in the most trouble had to do with the curtains. Bud liked the curtains and windows open at night to let in cool breeze and closed during the day to keep it from getting too hot. For some reason, I just could not remember to follow these rules. It was not disobedience, but lack of care. One day at the end of summer, my friend Martin and I went out to a movie and upon return, were greeted with my Mom in a less than pleasant mood, and drunk. Right in front of Martin, she began screaming at me about not closing the curtains in a way that must have sounded a little like "no more wire hangers" from Mommy Dearest. After the tirade, I walked Martin to the bus stop so he could get home and he almost cried. He said he had never seen anything like that, was so sorry and asked if I wanted to come live at his house. To be honest, I didn't know what the big deal was. That wasn't even that bad, so I told him I would be fine and headed back home.